duo

我跟Jim说，如果我给孩子起小名儿叫沙包的话，我们家人（北京人）就会叫他沙包儿，你们家人（广州人）就会叫他撒包。。

不好笑么？

我当时在车里笑翻了，他说你自娱自乐吧。。>_>

记得我跟Jim曾经有过一次对话，当时讨论得挺乏味的，没什么内容。但刚刚读了一篇采访陈曼的文章，写得不错，其中有段陈曼说的话令我想起了自己当时跟Jim坚持的想法，如下：

对陈曼而言，在镜头前没有不好的模特，只有不合格的摄影师。“模特都有他自己的特点，如果你把他的特点发挥出来，都是好的模特。”而说到超模，陈曼又有另 一番观点，“不是普通意义上的美丽就能成为超模，有好多因素。比如说她可能哪儿哪儿都长得特别完美，但就有一个缺点。如果这个缺点恰到好处的话就是一个特 点。比如刘丹，在中国大众审美里，她哪里都是完美的，但就是她长了一双丹凤眼，小翘翘鼻子，这样就可以成为超模。如果哪儿都长得没有缺陷的话，就是一大美妞儿，没什么特点不容易让人记住。”

对中国模特行业的发展，陈曼感叹：“其实现在选模特的人，或者大众也好，他们欣赏模特的审美太局限了。在生活中有很多女孩子可以成为超模，但因为没有人发现。我希望中国出现更多的国际超模，能带动中国的时尚发展。比如现在杜鹃出去了。大家就会因为杜鹃关注中国的时尚，所以我觉得模特和本土的时尚是有密切、密切的关系的。”

当时跟Jim的对话是从报纸上一张模特儿的照片开始的。那模特儿是个台湾人，名字我已然忘记了，但据说是近两年来知名度被炒得非常高的。Jim说她很漂亮，我在报纸上瞄了一眼，说还行吧。他有点儿不服，问我为什么。我不记得具体回复的是什么，不过想要表达的意思是这样的：“漂亮是漂亮，但是没特点。我看过一眼就会忘记的美人儿对我来说谈不上漂亮。”

在多伦多这个多元化的城市中，无时无刻都可以看到各种肤色外貌的人。无论是在地铁上还是学校里，我这一代的孩子中每个人都有着各自的审美观点。我不认为任何人可以说服他人审美观点的胜败与否，毕竟萝卜青菜各有所爱不是？

对于我来说，一个人的表面脂肪没太大视觉效果。现今大部分的视觉感受来自于人家穿在身上的跟涂在脸上的。更深一步地说，就是人家的气质。艺术照在我的眼里就跟垃圾是的，根本表现不出来模特儿的性格。有的甚至连基本轮廓都掩盖了，令亲朋好友叹为观止：这谁呀，整个儿塑料一个……好的照片不仅仅要体现出模特的美，我认为更重要的是要呈现人家独特的地方。

每当别人问我某某好看不好看的时候，我都需要站在他人的角度来考虑这个问题。因为凡是我喜欢的朋友在我眼里都有着他们独特的一面，而这独特感超越了平淡的视觉审美。如果我每次都按照自己的喜好来评论，实打实的不会是对方认同的答案。简单的说就是我觉得每个人都有着独特的美感，需要识货的人去欣赏。

我喜欢站在他人的角度去观察，却有时候会懊恼于这角度是如此的狭窄。也许我太在意他人的看法了，这也是我的弱点。很多时候我盲目地说出自己的看法，多次被否决后我开始从他人的审美角度看人，尤其是当我要推荐某人某物给他人时。

想到这里，我不禁纳闷儿，当我们问他人看法时，要听到的究竟是什么样子的话？我已然离题了︿

先读一下这篇文章。

Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:

10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it

10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it

the gist of it is basically talking about this woman

adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english

me: im pretty sure its fictional

the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about

yea im just telling you the idea right now

10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it

10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it

how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it

10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it

the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill

its not just hers, but also his

she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign

to tell her that theres something wrong

because what’s going to come next?

10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her

shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket

10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else

she has never thought about all these things before the marriage

she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days

maybe some miracle will happen

10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill

maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill

maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it

10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe

she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause

she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is

10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident

she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table

10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test

so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once

and for all

because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks

10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right

after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences

10:55 AM she picked up the bill

at that moment, she felt she just saved a family

the end”

10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything

even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis

10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship

but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone

my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends

because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head

I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.

It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.

It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.

It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.

There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.

When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?

第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。

然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。

我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。