duo

我实在忍不住了。虽然已经为此跟很多人倔过了，虽然读了不少有关新闻也读了不少人对此的看法，我仍然坚信自己还有一些别人没说过的。很没有自知之明的，我了解。我刚刚一直在想应该用英文写还是中文写？真的是不好办，我很想用英文写，因为这样我身边的西藏朋友跟从小在外国长大不了解中国文化的朋友也可以读了。但是后来又想了想，如果用英文写，我中国的朋友就不甚了了了。之前给一个我大学的留学生发了一篇一位外国教师写的看法，是我认为写得不算太片面的。但很可惜的他说他英文不是很好，所以里面大部分的东西都读得很吃力。我想要写这篇文章的主要目的还是针对中国人的，所以反复思索后我决定用中文写。

从前两天开始msn上就开始了(L) China活动，说是活动其实就是把这样的字眼放在msn上而已。 我简单的看了一下，有在中国的，有在法国的，有在台湾香港的，有在加拿大的，还有在美国的华人。从我msn上乍一看，红红的一顺，好不壮观。原来爱国真的很简单。我以前一直烦恼在没有战争的时候该怎样重现一个人的爱国精神呢？原来只要在msn上把名字改改就好了。我一直没有人云亦云的原因是，我虽然在这边有很多不同种族的朋友，其中包括很多西藏人而他们也一直坚持free tibet信念，但我仍然认为西藏就是中国的一部分，所以说两者是不可分开的。我一开始到加拿大还会拒绝称呼西藏人、台湾人、香港人tibetan, taiwanese, cantonese。这是因为我打小在中国就是被教育成这些人都是中国人的缘故，所以我纳闷儿啊，为什么不叫他们chinese就好了呢？在这边区分得可仔细了呢，我算是mandarin from mainland china，也就是说普通话从大陆来的。虽然过了不久我就被西化了，也开始用这些词来概括一个人的背景。但是我心里仍然是雪亮的：西藏就是中国的一部分，西藏人就是中国人。那么这么一来msn上面针对西藏人的题词是不是就有点儿可笑了？如果是说我们爱中国的话，难道就不爱西藏了么？如果爱西藏，为什么偏偏要把不是西藏的中国挑出来爱呢？这样一来不就真的等于西藏中国不是一家人了么。

我纳闷儿啊，不仅仅是这些。 这些天来有关这事儿的报道还真是多。一个人就算不看电视不读新闻都略知一二。我一个在北京的小学同学告诉我现在北京已经严重到给每家每户发送条子说是没事儿不准出门儿了。让我不甚了解的是在外国的一些游行活动。真的是很壮观很伟大很漂亮呢。我在facebook上看了好多人照的照片了。我纳闷儿是因为他们似乎想要让cnn等西方媒体为此事件的报道道歉。道歉？有没有搞错啊。西方的报道向来是以负面为重的（不是说中国就不是了）。如果哪个国家稍微有点儿变态，那可狠骂了。连慈善机构都会骂的他们注重的就是言论自由。我记得去游行的这些青年都是很注重言论自由的啊，怎么现在又改变主意了。如果说哪里不注重言论自由，那绝对非中国莫属（当然日本对此也很在行）。记得我小时候对新闻联播的一贯印象就是中国地大物博人民团结友善，好强大的感觉。那么我就怀疑了，真正在中国的那些人根据他们的消息渠道知道的情况到底有多少？中国开放了多少媒体呢？

读了一些文章的报道后我感觉中国人对这件事情的态度无非就是，你骂我了所以我也要骂你。就算不当面骂你也不能去你那儿玩了。比较可笑的一些：不去法国超市了、不用名牌包了等等（跟之前抵触日本人而不买日本货的理由差不多）。丢不丢人啊，怎么看怎么像过家家的孩子。然后这篇报道实在让我忍无可忍了。这些反对一个大学女生的华人究竟跟在中国暴动的西藏人有何区别？如果真的想认识那些维护藏独的人，可以去我的中学Parkdale C. I.，那里还有专门的西藏俱乐部（Tibetan Club）呢。难道他们要闯进中学生的家里把人家在家供着的喇嘛给砸毁么？真的，我都觉得寒碜得慌。我一直觉得出国的孩子会更懂事儿，因为见识广了眼界宽了，但这件事情把我天真的想法踢飞了。

都说西方人不懂中国人的情况，所以才会盲目地支持西藏独立。但很少我会看到身边的中国人或是在中国的中国人去追究多种角度的看法。我认为对于类似的事情没有所谓的事实。如果想要了解情况，最多能够做到的就是以多种渠道跟不同背景的人，如西方人，或是在外国的西藏人的角度看待这件事情。哪怕只有五分钟也好，把中国人的身份丢掉去看待这件事情。这些中国人对这件事情的了解究竟有多少呢？就算我从中学开始就接触了不少西藏人，就算我读了不少关于他们的事情，我仍然觉得自己无法真正了解事实。但起码我尝试过了，起码我尽最大努力站在他们的角度看待这件事情了。这样的态度让我变得更加平和，也更加理智。作为一个中国人，我认为与其去追究为什么西方人支持西藏人（对此，我的 一位叔叔有他的看法），不如尝试去了解为什么西藏人会暴动。无风不起浪，我想除非不得已否则不会有这么多人去做一些明知会吃力不讨好的事情，不是么。

与其去压迫他人的说法，不如让自己更加深入讨论的话题。如果对一件事情有着不同的看法，作为看待此件事情的旁观者应当努力吸取更多的知识，而并非努力尝试让周围的人保持同样的看法。就是因为每个人的生活背景不同所以才会产生多样化的角度。就算是读同样的文字，看同样的画面，我们的眼睛都会捕捉到不同的细节，更何况是生活在完全不同世界的人们呢。我很喜欢我的西藏朋友Lobsang 所说的：“The way i see it, Susan, I want to work towards a better China. Since Tibet will be part of it, regardless whether I like it or not =P”。他是我的中学同学，目前在多伦多大学读法律。立志要当律师的他目前上大学之余还在多伦多一所律师行工作。那所律师行专门办理西藏人在加拿大的身份问题。他今天告诉我他下个学期要学习中文课。作为一个出生在尼泊尔的西藏人（他父母逃离西藏后居住在尼泊尔，后来用假的尼泊尔护照移民到加拿大），他都可以充实自己想着为中国做贡献，作为中国人的我们不更应该如此么？我向来对与自己相信的事情持有极度固执的心理。对于身边的西藏人，我曾尝试过让他们承认自己是中国人，但是后来我承认我失败了。我的出发点是很可笑的，我只是觉得他们不了解中国，却在最后讶然发觉不了解的人是我。我不了解中国，因为我不了解西藏。

更多有关此事的报道可以从这里阅读。

那天，我做了个梦。

梦很长很长。在梦里，我过了一生。

梦里我没有名字，是个小女孩，衣服很单薄，我总是感觉很冷。我跟着前面的女人走着路，在寻找着什么。我们走啊走，走了很多路，遇见了很多人。其中有些人我是认识的，有些人对我来说很陌生，却是女人认识的。那个女人，应该是梦里面我的母亲。 每次都会问到寻找的那个地方，母亲会形容那个地方。那个地方，似乎是母亲以前生活过的一个住所。我不太清楚为什么我们一直在寻找它。

在途中，我的衣服裂开了。站在路中间，我感到十分羞愧。我拉着破裂的衣服跑到路边的服装店里，想要找件衣服来穿。但是店中其他的客人开始嘲笑我的服饰，店员也嫌弃我不让我进去。我把手放在们缝里，心想你们不能把门这样关上。却哪知狠心的店员还是狠狠地关上了门。我心里很难过，哭了起来，手心很疼，开始流血。这时母亲走了，她仍然要去寻找以前生活过的地方。

我一个人走在街上，捧着流着血的手。这时坏人出现了，把我卖给了奸商。一个梳着很古典的发髻的女人把我领走了。她脸上的妆浓得让我作呕。当她靠着我说话的时候，我只能注意到她鲜红的嘴一张一合，好像要把我吞进肚子里似的。她究竟对我说了什么，我不知道。

那天晚上，我被放置在粉红色的帘子后面。我看着一个很胖的男人对一个很瘦小的男孩说话。他们说了什么，我也不知道。那个男人不时地大笑，好似男孩取悦了他。男孩始终抿着嘴，我印象中他似乎没有言语过。直到最后，男孩指向我，我这才发觉自己的存在。我一直以为他们是看不到我的。男人同意了什么，于是男孩拉着我走出了帘子。

我似乎被收养了。直觉上我以为是那个胖男人收养了我。但是我再也没见过他了。

转眼我似乎长大了，因为我开始照顾一只猫样的生物。它很大很凶。看起来普通的猫要更加张扬一些。毛更艳丽，眼神更不屑一顾。我很喜欢它，一直以来都是我给它做饭吃。它喜欢喝豆浆，吃很甜很甜的奶油蛋卷。我喜欢看着它睡觉，因为这个时候它会很安静，而且会让我摸它的毛。我总是一边做针线活一边看着它睡觉。

那个男孩似乎也长大了，他在外面干什么我不知道，但是似乎是被他收养了。有时候他会很凶，不许我出门。但大多时候他都不说话。两个人在家也相安无事。

第一次感觉到他在乎我是当那只大猫不见了的时候他把它找回来，并且狠狠地教训了猫一顿，因为猫很不乖，自己跑走了。从那以后猫似乎更加不乖了，但是我比较开始注意到男孩了，所以梦见猫的次数比较少了。最后一次梦见猫，它已经很老了，我发现我可以很轻松就去取悦它，它已经没有以前那般不屑一顾了。我似乎一只都在讨好这只猫，直到它老死。

我开始习惯于醒来后第一眼就看到男孩的脸孔。好大一张摆在眼前。但现在却又不记得样子了。

有天晚上下着小雨，男孩终于走出了我的世界。他去干什么我不记得了，我只知道从现在开始我要自己生活。我开始接触外面的世界。我回到了那家店，买下了店面，开始卖自己做的衣服。我总是会让门敞开，这样就不会不小心夹到手。我永远记得手心红红的样子，很疼很难过的样子。

有一只流浪狗在我店前徘徊，于是我开始喂它好吃的，诱惑它留下来陪我。一个星期后，它不流浪了，总是守在我的门前。它有着棕色的短发，眉骨间却染着一抹黑毛。我总是感觉很愧疚，因为自己的动机似乎不是很单纯。所以每次都会找好吃的东西给它吃。直到很久以后我都搞不清楚它究竟最爱吃什么。

那天母亲路过了我的店。我看到她三次路过店门前始终没有进来。第四次我出去叫住了她。我问她找到以前住过的地方了么，她说找到了，但已经跟以前不一样了。后来母亲留下来帮我管账，并且给我做很好吃的饭。那个时候我感觉很幸福。幸福到流下了眼泪。

有一天夜里，我听到狗的叫声从楼下传来。那是我第一次听到它叫我。但我在被窝里好舒服好舒服，实在不想要起床去看看它。但我仍然努力睁开眼睛眨了眨。这时我感觉到床的彼端塌了下去，男孩的体温靠在我的 背上，很暖和。我问他狗是因为他才叫的么。他说他不知道，过来的路上好像被什么绊到了但是他没在意。

梦醒的时候我已经很老了，正在啃着西瓜。西瓜那么水那么软，我却感觉牙龈疼。这时男孩告诉我西瓜对我这个老太婆来说太冰了，应该让它暖一暖再吃。我倔强地回嘴，西瓜暖了就不好吃了，于是仍然克服着牙龈的疼痛但却快乐地啃着西瓜。

我现在真的很想要吃西瓜。但是梦已经醒了。

先读一下这篇文章。

Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:

10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it

10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it

the gist of it is basically talking about this woman

adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english

me: im pretty sure its fictional

the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about

yea im just telling you the idea right now

10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it

10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it

how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it

10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it

the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill

its not just hers, but also his

she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign

to tell her that theres something wrong

because what’s going to come next?

10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her

shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket

10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else

she has never thought about all these things before the marriage

she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days

maybe some miracle will happen

10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill

maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill

maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it

10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe

she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause

she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is

10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident

she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table

10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test

so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once

and for all

because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks

10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right

after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences

10:55 AM she picked up the bill

at that moment, she felt she just saved a family

the end”

10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything

even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis

10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship

but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone

my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends

because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head

I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.

It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.

It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.

It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.

There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.

When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?

第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。

然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。

我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。