duo

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss - as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart.

I never thought it would be logical to force someone to feel something. It really doesn’t matter what that something is, the act of forcefully changing one’s emotion is rather imprudent. I realize that there were times that I can’t sympathize with one’s feelings, but there would be no way that I can falsify how that person felt. How can you even begin judging the truth value in how something can be felt? If it is not the matter of right or wrong, then why would you engage in the act of reversing the feelings of someone else? It could be that there is a direct correlation with how that person felt in relation with you such as something like this: you care about this person and the fact that he/she’s upset makes you worry. But there is no way to make him/her feel better by proving to him/her that the fact that he/she’s upset is merely stupid. It’s even more ridiculous trying to force someone to overcome their fear by pushing them. If I’m scared, then I shouldn’t feel like I need to pretend that I’m not. That’s actually one of the things that I honestly think is impossible to fake unless I need to do that for a living (ie. Acting?). Even so, I shouldn’t feel like I ought to do that to impress people around me, right? That’ll be just cruel.

Anyway, I’ve done that when I was a little girl with my dad. A lot, actually. I’ve always been scared of playgrounds. I know it sounds retarded, but I was. He’d force me to get in and play with other kids, but I was just scared. I’d get on a swing and cry. I was pretty much scared of everything in the playground. I knew it was embarrassing, but I can’t help it. Needless to say, my dad was embarrassed as well. As a result, he’d push me harder to get used to the playground. It never helped. If anything, I got even more scared. I was scared of many things when I was little. I used to think that the only thing that would keep me away from the things that I’m scared of is to fake a smile. I’ll have to pretend that I’m happy and cool with it until the other person is content. When that person is content, then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Now that I’m older, I realize how stupid that was and how sad I was. I’d never want to do that again. Not for anyone.

I still think that our feelings come natural to us. Sometimes I can’t even explain why/how I felt what I felt. Those feelings inspire me to write, to draw, to design, to create. They spark my imagination and widen my mind to something new. There shouldn’t be any reason to suppress those feelings. It’s still embarrassing to cry in public, probably even more embarrassing now that I’m older, but it’s only natural. I guess I should be glad that I’m a girl; it’d probably take a lot more time for me to be brave enough to say that otherwise. If I felt it at heart, I’ll try my best to express it through the most natural way. By natural, I mean how we were as kids, just trying to keep it real.

日子过得越来越快了，我却仍然处于讨厌等待的阶段。

还在跟爷爷奶奶过的日子里，比较烦恼的就是每天晚上不到9点就要入睡的规定。那个时候最希望的就是长大后9点过了可以陪爷爷奶奶看电视。记得有天晚上实在睡不着，偷偷地跑到客厅的门外看电视。心里砰砰地跳，近距离看着奶奶，准备一有动静马上逃窜。我忘了那晚上具体猫了多久了，反正时间不长就是了，小时候胆子太小了。

等跟爸爸过日子的时候，比较希望长大后可以无限制地读书。那个时候我等到大家都睡着之后偷偷下楼跑到爸爸书房去偷书。偷了一本又一本，好不过瘾。我每天8点不到就说要睡觉，躲进被窝里就拿着手电筒读书。日复一日，眼睛就这么毁了。等到爸爸书房的书都被我读完后，就去读同学家的书，一本一本的偷运过来，在自己的屋子里到处藏。记得有一次爸爸从我的monopoly游戏里翻出了一本同学家的书，也没跟我说就摆在我的书桌上。我回家后看到吓得半死不活的。心里一个劲儿地犯嘀咕，怎么办呀怎么办呀，天要塌下来了。但是行动依旧，晚上继续读那本被发现却没被没收的书。记得好像是萧十一郎火拼，古龙写的。12岁那会儿狂恋武侠、悬念类的。啃了一大堆类似的书，普遍吸收不进去，似懂非懂的。

后来又跟妈妈住，日子就比较放纵了。后来想要快点长大是因为交了男朋友，简称早恋。那个时候我就跟木头似的，一点情调也没有。（现在应该好些了吧，应该，应该的。）记得当时的男朋友告诉我第一次亲我的时候好比一冰坨，一点反应也没有。我记得第一次牵手的时候，他一直出汗，搞得我很想要甩下他的手在裤子上擦一擦。我当时也是有一些紧张的感觉，但是远没他那么严重。也有可能我真的很迟钝，事隔好几个钟头才反应过来。妈妈一直是反对我早恋的，她觉得我太小根本不懂怎么跟别人过日子。我确实小，确实不懂。但很多时候很多人已经很大了，仍然不懂，难道仍然不让他们谈恋爱么。

我一直是讨厌等待的，无论是人或事。明明安排好了的，为什么要等待呢。我讨厌等待长大，讨厌等待事情的开始或结束，讨厌等待他人的答复与行动。

但日子过得真的好快呀。如果我仍然讨厌等待，期望时间快些过去，日子不就会过得更快了么。我需要享受等待的滋味。在等待中过美好的日子。想想看等我真正期盼到了本来等待的人或事的时候，难道日子就更加美好了么。实则不然，日子一直都是美好的，只是我没心思欣赏它而已。